


If Only

by Stria (Asia117)



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Banter, Bipolar Disorder, Breaking Up & Making Up, Chatlogs, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Texting, text fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-02-23
Packaged: 2018-09-25 15:37:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9826829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asia117/pseuds/Stria
Summary: Written for the prompt:“we’ve been chatting online and we get on really well and oh that explains it” au (bonus: i totally told you about my crappy ex oops it you)"





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I saw this prompt on tumblr and thought _why not?_  
>  I have wanted to write a text fic for a while now, to get better at dialogues, and the prompt was cute and allowed me a bit of space. So yeah, here it is. Enjoy it!

_You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!_

_Question to discuss: the anonymity this site gives in an era where the privacy doesn’t exist anymore_

 

 **You:** are we doing existential questions tonight?

 **Stranger:** well can be interesting

 **You:** sure it can

 **You:** I’m just not sure if I’m ready for that

 **Stranger:** we can try

 **Stranger:** what do you have to lose?

 **You:** nothing really

 **You:** quiet night and all

 **Stranger:** and you decided to enjoy some privacy

 **You:** yes

 **You:** makes sense tbh

 **You:** we’re talking about people knowing who you are everywhere online

 **You:** even on fucking grindr there’s your profile pic

 **Stranger:** haha

 **Stranger:** I mean on grindr I understand it more than I understand it elsewhere probably you know

 **You:** okay tru

 **You:** but still

 **You:** anonymity is cool sometimes

 **You:** hence me being here

 **Stranger:** anonymity is cool

 **Stranger:** allows you to be a totally new person

 **Stranger:** no prejudices based on physical appearance

 **Stranger:** just the things you say

 **You:** though there are still prejudices because the written media can’t really convey emotions

 **Stranger:** you’re right

 **Stranger:** then again this is why you chat to strangers on the internet

 **Stranger:** and not with friends

 **Stranger:** with strangers you’re allowed not to care

 **You:** true

 **You:** no offense but

 **Stranger:** none taken

 **Stranger:** I’m here for the same reason after all

 **Stranger:** take my mind off everything with the help of someone who doesn’t know me

 **You:** something happened?

 **You:** want to talk abt it?

 **Stranger:** just a blue night

 **Stranger:** sometimes I get these

 **You:** … yh I get you

 **You:** hope it’s not that hard on u, random stranger

 **Stranger:** haha, I’m flattered, thank you

 **Stranger:** it’s okay, I’ve had it worse

 **Stranger:** this is just weird reminiscing

 **You:** yh I get those moods too

 **You:** if you want to talk about it…

 **Stranger:** maybe later, random stranger

 **Stranger:** now tell me

 **Stranger:** what music do you listen to?

 **Stranger:** if you listen to music, that is

 **You:** who doesn’t listen to music?

 **You:** I’m an eclectic boy, I’m into 90s hip hop and some indie/pop stuff

 **Stranger:** 1) did you read the word of the day in the calendar?

 **Stranger:** 2) so you’re a boy…

 **You:** 1) thank u for this validation of my intelligence, random stranger

 **You:** 2) I literally talked to you abt grindr????

 **Stranger:** okay true

 **Stranger:** admittedly I didn’t pay attention

 **Stranger:** you could have been one of those weird straight girls who go on grinder

 **Stranger:** to find their ~gay bff~

 **You:** ewwww

 **You:** no thanks

 **Stranger:** makes you wonder, though

 **Stranger:** so are you on grindr or

 **You:** nope

 **You:** too afraid of straight girls looking for their ~gay bff~

 **Stranger:** they’re gonna find you anyway

 **Stranger:** and they’re gonna force you to go to shopping trip with them

 **You:** good luck w/ that tbh

 **You:** I’m probably the best person if u have to buy something from volcom but

 **You:** my fashion sense is shit otherwise

 **Stranger:** *gasp*

 **Stranger:** we might have to retire your queer card then, mister

 **Stranger:** I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules

 **You:** no pls officer I had just gotten it back

 **You:** look it’s so shiny

 **You:** it says I’M GAY with rainbow lettering

 **You:** how could u have the heart

 **Stranger:** lmao

 **Stranger:** but you know rules are rules

 **Stranger:** you have to acquire a fashion sense to get it back

 **Stranger:** just like pansexual people have to date pans, you know

 **You:** if they start dating pots they’re gone

 **You:** or potheads

 **Stranger:** think about our life

 **Stranger:** we have to go to classes to date pans every time we fall in love with a pot

 **You:** that can’t be comfortable

 **Stranger:** we’re trying to change the rules

 **Stranger:** make it so it’s on the third warning at least

 **You:** so u get three pot relationships before u don’t have your card anymore

 **You:** it’s better than nothing but still

 **Stranger:** it’s difficult because grindr doesn’t have the option for “attracted to pans” you know

 **Stranger:** #discrimination

 **You:** I’ll fight w/ u brother

 **You:** if u don’t retire my card, that is

 **Stranger:** deal

 **Stranger:** but help me or I’ll report u to the gay police

 **You:** I still prefer the gay police to the vegan police

 **You:** they can shoot green beams from their fingers

 **Stranger:** hahaha

 **Stranger:** I love that film too

 **You:** it’s one of my faves

 **You:** I wish I could make coins like that irl tbh

 **Stranger:** fighting the seven exes of your new lover?

 **You:** fighting people period

 **You:** no new lover for me

 **You:** no thanks

 **Stranger:** did something happened?

 **You:** eh

 **You:** I mean

 **You:** u know how exes are, don’t you?

 **Stranger:** … kind of, yeah

 **Stranger:** it’s actually why I’m in this reminiscing mood tonight

 **Stranger:** an ex boyfriend

 **You:** #same

 **Stranger:** you want to talk about it?

 **You:** idk there’s nothing much to say

 **You:** meet this boy, he’s amazing and makes me come out and stop being scared of whatever

 **You:** fast forward a few months

 **You:** he disappears without telling me and I discover he got a gf

 **You:** and like I’d want to know at least if I did something wrong

 **You:** or if he just went behind her back this whole time

 **You:** (in which case I’d might want to tell her)

 **You:** and the worst part is that I can’t even get myself t wish we were never together

 **You:** bc after all he’s

 **You:** mostly

 **You:** the reason why I’m not out and proud and all that jazz

 **You:** queer card with rainbow lettering

 **Stranger:** and no fashion sense though

 **You:** haha

 **You:** no fashion sense, no

 **You:** I might have to do that class u mentioned

 **Stranger:** I’m sorry to hear that

 **Stranger:** people can be horrible

 **You:** yeah

 **You:** aaah well

 **You:** I’ll get over it I’m sure

 **Stranger:** right

 **Stranger:** but meanwhile you’re allowed to hurt

 **You:** I know I know

 **You:** but still

 **You:** I don’t want to allow myself to wallow

 **You:** and what’s your story?

 **Stranger:** about my ex? Nothing much to tell, either

 **Stranger:** I guess in a way it’s my fault

 **Stranger:** I’m bipolar you know

 **Stranger:** and he doesn’t deserve to have problematic people in his life

 **Stranger:** doesn’t deserve someone who doesn’t get up from the bed for weeks at time

 **Stranger:** and who won’t change

 **You:** did he tell you this?

 **Stranger:** something of the sort

 **You:** holy fuck what a douchebag

 **You:** like what the fuck

 **You:** everybody has problems

 **You:** so what if you’re bipolar?

 **You:** someone who loves you accepts it and supports you

 **You:** like my friend’s mother is bipolar

 **You:** and she’s an amazing person and her family loves her

 **You:** and she’s still bipolar

 **Stranger:** thank you, stranger

 **Stranger:** I needed to hear this, I guess

 **You:** don’t worry

 **You:** it’s you who don’t deserve terrible people in your life

 **You:** I’m sorry it happened

 **Stranger:** thank you so much

 **You:** we can toast as a way to say good riddance to assholes

 **You:** well, metaphorically toast

 **You:** no beer rn

 **Stranger:** haha

 **Stranger:** I have some alcohol

 **Stranger:** but I am not supposed to drink it

 **You:** yeah my friend’s mother has that too

 **You:** that and a routine to maintain

 **Stranger:** yeah yeah

 **Stranger:** I’m glad you’re informed tbh

 **Stranger:** there should be more people like you

 **You:** it’s basic requirements tbh

 **You:** like you do it for the people u love

 **You:** whether romantic or platonic it doesn’t matter

 **Stranger:** people are lucky to have you as a friend

 **You:** not really. My flatmate says I never clean

 **You:** all lies and slander ofc

 **Stranger:** of course

 **Stranger:** I don’t want to know what’s the state of your room right now

 **You:** …

 **You:** you caNT PROVE ANYTHING

 **Stranger:** don’t really need to

 **You:** I don’t know u and I already hate u

 **Stranger:** are you trying to blame me for the mess in your bedroom?

 **You:** I panicked when you threatened to retire my queer card

 **You:** and that created a gay tornado with my gay powers

 **You:** so yes it’s your fault

 **Stranger:** LMAO

 **Stranger:** well then since the gay police didn’t come

 **Stranger:** you can very well use your gay power to un-mess the room

 **You:** un-mess

 **You:** I have to gift you my word-a-day calendar I see

 **Stranger:** un-mess is a perfectly fine word

 **Stranger:** I’m CREATING

 **You:** you’re grasping at straws

 **Stranger:** at least my room isn’t a mess

 **You:** LIES AND SLANDER

 **You:** YOU CAN’T SEE IT

 **Stranger:** schroedinger’s mess

 **Stranger:** do I want to open the box, is the question

 **You:** … you don’t tbh

 **You:** NOT BC OF THE MESS

 **Stranger:** keep telling yourself that

 **You:** I fucking hate you

 **Stranger:** well you only have yourself to blame

 **Stranger:** you could UN-MESS your room

 **Stranger:** and then everything would be okay

 **You:** there’s NOTHING to ~unmess

 **Stranger:** of course

 **You:** stoP

 **Stranger:** why? You’re too easy to tease

 **You:** you’re a cruel person

 **Stranger:** I’m just helping your flatmate

 **You:** I keep my mess in my room and not in communal areas

 **Stranger:** so you admit you’re messy?

 **You:** …

 **You:** fine, you win

 **You:** I’m messy

 **You:** I’m too lazy not to be messy

 **Stranger:** haha

 **Stranger:** Do I get a prize?

 **You:** I won’t kick you in the nuts for all the teasing

 **Stranger:** I’ll count my blessings

 **Stranger:** there’s nothing wrong in being messy

 **Stranger:** I swear

 **You:** tell that to my flatmate

 **Stranger:** tbh I also don’t live with you

 **You:** I am the PERFECT flatmate

 **Stranger:** if I never come to your room

 **You:** if u never come to my room

 **Stranger:** deal

 **Stranger:** listen, stranger

 **Stranger:** (can I still call you like that, now that we told each other our deepest secrets?)

 **You:** (for lack of a better name, yes)

 **Stranger:** I gotta go

 **Stranger:** but I kind of… don’t want to lose this connection

 **Stranger:** I don’t know if you want it

 **Stranger:** if you don’t I won’t mind

 **Stranger:** but

 **You:** no no I understand

 **You:** I was wondering if you felt it too

 **You:** anonymity or not, it was great to talk to you

 **You:** I wish I could do this again

 **You:** I can give you my number?

 **Stranger:** sure!

 **Stranger:** phew! For a moment I thought you were about to hit the road haha

 **You:** nah of course not

 **You:** number is +473570077890

 **You:** …

 **You:** stranger?

 **You:** is it you who hit the road?

 **Stranger:** … isak?!

 **You:** … yes? Wtf?

 **Stranger:** it’s even.

 

_You have disconnected._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk how many people saw it, but at one point I uploaded the rough draft of the chapter, which. Rip me. Anyway. Have the completed chapter.

26/04

 

(22:55)

Even

 

Isak

 

Can we talk? Please?

 

(22:58)

… yeah we have to talk

 

Okay

I’ll start

 

(23:01)

Go on

 

(23:04)

I’m a terrible person

I’m sorry

What I said without knowing   
I was talking about myself still stands

I am inexcusable and if you want to tell me to   
fuck off

Please do

Is it because of that conversation  
where I told you I didn’t deserve  
people like mum in my life?

 

(23:09)

Yes, it is

 

… I didn’t mean it like that, Even

I know that if I tell you now  
it sounds like an excuse but

What I meant was to express frustration  
because mum doesn’t want to get help

I didn’t mean I didn’t want mental illnesses  
in my life

 

(23:12)

…

Okay

 

I know it was still something really  
insensitive to say

I’m not trying to let myself off the hook

I’m sorry I made you feel like you were unworthy  
of being with me

You aren’t

Unworthy, I mean

You aren’t unworthy

 

(23:14)

Thank you so much

Again, I needed to hear that

It was still like a punch in the gut but

At least now I know what you meant by that

 

Okay

Okay, yes

Yes

I’m really sorry, Even

Really, really sorry

 

(23:20)

It’s okay

… well I mean

As okay as it can be.

 

Do I have to say sorry again?

 

(23:24)

Haha no better not

I mean I know you’re sorry

This doesn’t change the fact that it happened

And even if your intentions were pure as snow

Which I don’t doubt

Because you really don’t deserve that parental situation

(look, I’m using your word-a-day calendar!)

Your communication was still shitty

And you still hurt me

And this won’t change

Like, you being sorry makes it a bit better

But it doesn’t change that I’m hurt

Still

 

(I’m gifting you a real calendar next time)

(Parental situation, oh my god)

I can live with that

I mean I have to live with that anyway but like

I can accept that

Sometimes it happens that we’re incapable of communicating

And all that jazz

 

 

Yes, exactly. Yes.

 

And while the hurt might not be my fault

Not directly

The incapability of communicating something

Is very much my fault

And okay, I have to live with that

I’ll get better

 

I’m sure you will

You’re not stupid

 

29/04

 

(00:58)

And I should have talked to you

Instead of disappearing

But I didn’t have the strength to do that

And this is my fault

 

(06:56)

(aren’t you supposed to have like a schedule for sleeping)

(I don’t want to intrude but)

You were hurt, I mean

Yes, you hurt me in the process

But you couldn’t really control the fact that the dude you liked

Just said that he didn’t want you because of your mental illness

 

(07:30)

(I do. And I’m getting better at sticking to it)

Well, he said *what I thought it was

I mean

…

 

Of course

What you thought it was

Because it wasn’t that

I promise

Having you in my life is one of the best things ever

***was

Even when I thought I was your mistress I acknowledged it

 

***is

 

(09:51)

… wow

Okay

Okay, wow

 

I just need a bit of time, maybe, Isak

But it’s not like you lost me forever or something

I swear

 

Okay

Okay

Yes

I’m

Okay

I’m happy

 

You sound like a broken record

It’s cute

 

You can’t see me but I’m looking at you

And my face is not happy

 

You are incapable of making a non-cute grumpy face

I’m sorry I don’t make the rules

 

(12:34)

Okay wow

I’m so blocking you

 

(12:39)

I’m sorry but

Moi, hacker extraordinaire

Will find a way to bypass hat

 

Did you take French in high school

Or are you bullshitting me?

 

… I took german

Shhh

Let’s pretend

 

Okay okay fine

Let’s pretend

(18:58)

Even, can I ask you…

 

Tell me

 

… about the girlfriend thing?

Like I didn’t imagine you kissing that girl

At Ander’s party

I’m pretty sure of it

 

(19:17)

Okay, yes, right

Um

There is no easy way to say this

She’s an ex girlfriend

And sometimes we still…

Fall in bed together I guess

But there’s nothing romantic

There’s just seeking comfort in old things

 

 

(19:25)

Okay

 

Are you hurt by that?

 

I

I am, yes

I mean, I’m a jealous person

But I’m trying to navigate my feelings like

I don’t know if I have the right to be hurt

 

I mean you’re entitled to your own emotions, Isak

It’s okay to be hurt about it

Or upset at the situation

 

Yeah

I mean I’m not entitled to anger towards you I think

Like we are technically not together anymore

And all that jazz

 

(19:38)

Well I mean I like to think that this is a small break

But we’re fixing things?

So like

Idk

We have to talk about where do we stand

But for now I can assure you

There was nothing beyond physical with her

Nothing

 

(19:55)

I do believe you, I swear

I am just hurt by it anyway

And yeah we have to talk, yes

 

Yeah like I said it’s okay to be hurt

We hurt each other pretty badly

We need to get better

And mend the wounds

 

(20:03)

Of course

We have to

 

(22:55)

Goodnight, Isak

 

Goodnight, Even

 

02/05

 

(07:59)

The point was that I was scared to tell you I was bipolar

Because of rejection

Like I can accept myself

I am able to

I worked hard towards acceptance

And now I can

But not everyone can

And I did deal with rejection

And close friends who were suddenly strangers

After I told them

Or after I had an episode

So I was scared

Had I been more assertive I wouldn’t have cared but

You know

 

(08:31)

Oh lord

I’m so sorry about what happened

And yeah, no, I understand, I don’t blame you

If you don’t feel safe, you’re not obligated to tell anyone anything

Well also if you do feel safe, like

You’re not obligated to tell anyone anything

Much less about your very personal life

 

(09:01)

Thank you

Much like you and your parents, though

Like, never feel obligated to tell anyone anything

 

Yeah, no, of course

Thank you

 

(14:51)

And

Isak

I am really sorry I disappeared

Like I wasn’t thinking

But since I knew what happened with your dad

I really could have acted differently

Better

 

(15:03)

Thank you, Even

I needed to hear that, I think

No, I don’t think

I needed to hear that

It still wasn’t your fault but

Abandonment issues

 

(15:06)

We both behaved shittily

I think we can leave it at that

Like, acknowledge it

And stop

 

(that’s not a word-a-day calendar word)

Yeah, we can acknowledge we behaved in a shitty way

And then

Idk

I want to say move on but then it’s not really

Not really move on, maybe

 

Well, move on from the shittyLY way we behaved

Not from each other

?

 

From the SHITTY way, yes

Not from each other

But it’s still strange thinking about moving on

In relation to something about… us

 

Shittily

It’s a word

It’s in the word-a-day calendar

I’m sorry

 

You’re so full of shit

That’s what you get for studying films

You don’t know your own mother tongue

 

I know my mother tongue

I’m just putting some linguistic mechanisms into motion

I’m making the language live

With my creations

 

I wonder if your 6s all came from the fact

That you’re able to tell the most bullshit

Without even batting an eye

 

You’re being shittily unfair

Also, the most bullshit is not even correct

 

I’m gonna honest to god block you

 

04/05

 

(01:32)

Goodnight, Even

 

(07:07)

Goodmorning, Isak

 

(09:32)

I was thinking

Did magnus never tell you about his mother?

 

(09:41)

Uh, I probably would have remembered if he had, honestly

Like, it’s a pretty important thing to mention

He probably did mention, like

Some of her “antics”

 

Yeah he calls them like that

Also says his mother is fucking cool and he loves her

And also loves what she does

 

Do you think magnus took a liking to me

Because I’m bipolar?

 

Well as much as mags is smarter than it seems

(it pains me to say this but)

He’s not exactly a seer

 

Yes but I mean

I wonder if he recognised the symptoms

 

I mean, I can ask

If you want?

 

Nah, I mean, you should say to them I’m bipolar first

And I prefer to be in control of that piece of info

Unless you… already told them?

 

No, I didn’t think it was right

 

(10:01)

Okay, phew

I’m happy about that

I’m sorry

 

 

(10:09)

Don’t be

It would be abit like outing, maybe

Even if the closet concept is not really

I don’t know

I’m not well-versed in queer culture

I’m sorry

 

(10:13)

Don’t be sorry, it’s okay

I’m glad you didn’t tell anyone

 

 

(10:17)

It was the least I could do

 

(18:18)

Are you still into old school memes?

 

(18:21)

You mean like rage faces?

Yes?

 (18:22)

 

(18:25)

…

Is it your way to tell me something?

 

Of course not

It was just something funny I found

Besides, there’s poor Noora doing the laundry

 

Oh my god

I swear I do my laundry

I SWEAR

 

Yeah don’t worry

I believe you

You just happen to have a lot of similar sheets

 

EVEN I SWEAR

OH MY GOD

DID YOU TALK TO NOORA OR SOMETHING

 

Well I mean if I can do her a favour, I’m gonna do it

 

I’m blocking you

 

Besides, now you know the real reason why I left

 

Oh my god

(are we already at the stage where we joke about that?)

 

(19:28)

(it was maybe me telling you we might need to talk)

(in real life, and not by text)

(whenever you have the time)

 

(19:58)

Please open the door?

 

05/05

 

 (09:31)

Oh and fair warning:

Magnus still thinks you hung the fucking moon

But Jonas is ready to have your skin

 

Hahaha

Okay I can live with that

We can explain everything

(09:37)

Also about the bipolar disorder

 

I am not ready for u and mags to become the bestest of friends

Consider this another fair warning

I kno u will weasel yourself into my group of friends

 

(09:40)

If I recall correctly you had fifa nights with Mikael

 

U don’t recall correctly I’m soz

 

Pretty sure I do

:)))

So I’m allowed to have guys nights with magnus

 

I’m hijacking your guy nights

And beating both of you at fifa

 

(09:44)

(I’m glad we’re ((mostly)) okay)

 

(09:47)

(I’m glad too)

(09:49)

Still hijacking your guy nights tho

 

**Author's Note:**

> The second chapter will be a texting one. It should be ready in a week max (but probably in less than a week).
> 
> If you liked it consider leaving a kudo or commenting, that keeps me going! Or come to find me on [tumblr](http://cosenoditea.tumblr.com)!


End file.
